The Last Chapter

The Final Chapter
Fallen & Standing Tall

It has been an awesome feeling writing SSHMF (abbreviation for the title). The above chapters, stories, fact & fiction are not meant to hurt anybody. If Fallen has hurt someone he has had the decency to apologize only if he meant it sincerely. I sincerely apologize if the profanity or resemblances to incidents are too co-incidental. Sorry people. I love you all and you have all touched my life in a special way. I have no regrets in life and it wouldn’t be fair to say I was the only one on the receiving end of pain. Love is about giving & taking. So I have done my fair share of being a Bastard. => Beautiful mistakes …There are some moments that have been captured into the very essence of my life. The following lyrics might help me say things better.

“Sometimes I feel I’ve lost my way
Looking for something real in this life
Day by day I keep asking myself
Without love
Where I’ll be
With out the sun, Where I’ll be
Without a sound, without the sea
Of my heart beats feeling me”

I would like to say thank you to Hope. I am because She is.
My quest to find you and to be a better person will never cease.
I will write songs of how I feel about us to make you fall more in love with me.
I want you by my side Hope…so I can look at myself in the reflection of your eyes…make you happy…make you proud…make babies and stand tall once again.


Closing Note

This is a piece of me…it comes from a place deep inside. I hope you people like what you read and could connect with my characters. I got so involved with the character of Fallen. My relationships have played a pivotal role. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. I truly respect all of you and you all have a special place in my heart. Thank you for being my ray of sunshine on a rainy day. I quote Heath Andrew Ledger (4 April 1979 – 22 January 2008 from a Knights Tale.

“It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you. “

I would like to profusely thank & apologize sincerely to everyone I have ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with.

THANK YOU

SORRY

THE END




References & Excerpts:
• Wikipedia
• IMDB
• Lyrics from Boaz Mauda’s song “Without Love” Performed Live @ Eurovision 2008.
• Dialogue from “A Knights Tale” Written & Directed by Brian Helgeland.

Short Stories of Hope & Memoirs of Fallen

Short Stories of Hope & Memoirs of Fallen

About

In my life I have had opportunities and I have made the best use of some and fucked up a lot. These are a small account of my personal undoing and lessons learnt. A man is worth the mistakes he makes. Make the same mistake twice it’s understood, make it over and over in a pattern it might become part of your essence of existence. Mistakes are the lessons you choose to learn from the hard way, where there will always be a wise ass who would say the most obvious “I told you so” which would make him/her feel greater in the knowledge that they never had the balls to do something stupid or chase after something they believed cause it didn’t conform to society or was acceptable to the common conception normal. Some mistakes might be the path to your enlightenment or achievement. Most great discoveries and inventions could be classified as glorious mistakes or accidents that were intentional. What you are about to read are not about break through inventions of ingenuity or worthy of a Noble prize for the greater of man.

Short stories of Hope & Memoirs of Fallen are an insight account of a rather confused, imaginative & hopeful male who we shall refer to as Fallen. Hope would be the reference of the opportunities, experiences and relationships (mostly failed). SSHMF (abbreviation for the title) is all about the hope and the misadventures in a quest to fulfill voids of want.

Chapter 1

Fallen, who is this Prick?

I would like to make a speech like Russell Crowe did in “Gladiator” but its not worthy of the same league or class. Fallen was born to loving parents and was the second born. He was loved and cared for but he has vague memory of the love and security he felt as a small boy as he lost his father at a young age of 5. He still grew up in a family atmosphere with his grand father as a father figure. He grew up a rebel with out a cause fighting an invisible system and trying to break age old traditions which he never conformed too. He would love to believe he was religious or spiritual but he had to be a dumbass and constantly question faith and religion. He was a typical case, ask him to do something and he would do the opposite. Maybe he did this for attention but it was always the wrong things he did that got him attention. He was a bright boy but he was also a recluse and when he was encouraged he would take it as his cue to do the opposite.

Having a basic education was a criterion his family wanted him to fulfill at any cost. He obliged and was not too happy as he felt he was conforming to their request and never took joy even though he did a very interesting course. He never attended class and always had a liking to mind bending drugs which would be a very important part of his recreation and personality. He did go though rehab, and couldn’t pinpoint why he even stared doing drugs. He would have loved to blame his family especially his mom and his circumstances but they weren’t the cause. Fallen had a very short stint at rehab and would later learn not to abuse recreational drugs. He still laughs and will continue to laugh at his stupid phases of life. He could make you laugh and had a weird sense of humor. He was never good at being enemies, but rub him on the wrong side & he would beat you down and eventually be your acquaintance. The aggression would be a reminder to not be on his bad side and also a person who you could rely on in a time of violence. He would later shed his violent behavior and only use brute force to defend causes he believed in and for self defense. Sounds like a retard hero but there was more to him than meets the eye. He was a dreamer. He would always dream and concoct stories. Some true and some figments. He could always tell stories but he learned through trial and error and realized bull shit has few takers and an authentic truth was more appreciated. He realized that if you lie you have to live the lie and living a lie aint worth it. Smart boy eh? I don’t think so, because the truth got him into more trouble than lies. More about Fallen in the coming chapters.

Chapter 2

Hope, where is she?

Hope is the elusive joy that has been evading me or I have been disloyal too. I have always been dumped by Hope. Who is Hope? Hope is the collective greater sex. Why I say greater sex? Because when I wake up it’s for Hope…I brush my teeth for Hope, everything I do and my very existence may be this quest and search for Hope. Hope has come many a time in my life but I have never been able to persuade her to stay. Not meaning to sound sexist but Hope bought me into existence. Now don’t go calling me names in your head. Its not like that. I have the deepest and sincerest respect for women and I have been raised by a single mother. Back to topic…Hope! Like I was saying she is the reason for reason. I see Hope every where. Always an opportunity but the lack of self confidence or self created obstacles make her hard to get…or maybe that’s the game we are playing. The reason I am Fallen is because Hope has made me so. Sometimes in my own thoughts and sometimes because I deserve it. Hope is the smile of a beautiful woman, the glint in her eye. Hope is the promise of ecstasy. Hope is the breeze that got Monroe’s skirt to flutter. Hope is the bitch who dumped you on your birthday ( not a victim, just a reference) Hope is the mother of your children. She is the co worker competing for that senior post. She is the owner of that Mercedes you dream of but can never afford. She is that mountaineering trip. She is the calm before the storm. She is the tamer and also the instigator. She is passion and she is pain. Since I said that and already got you thinking S & M, she’s the whip, the embarrassed blush, the slutty librarian, the girl next door, your first crush, your next crush…also depends on your sexuality cause hope is strictly feminine and all things beautiful (in context to my orientation)…no offense…I will come to your parades and support your causes. Hope is the first rain. She is mischief, she is make believe. She is a dream.

Now where is she? If its not obvious yet, she is every where. Some Hope you can have some you can’t. Some you will live to die for, some you would die to have. And you can also say to some “I would kill or die to make love to you”. The anticipation of getting slapped across the face is also Hope. She’s everywhere and she’s all that I ever want. Hope is that girl you want to be with or have been with. I sound so hopeless about Hope but I have to end this chapter saying Hope guides me.

Chapter 3

Death of an Angel

Fallen was in love and had found his Hope. It was all too good for Fallen to deal with. Hope was everything he wanted. She was smart, pretty and was much more. Hope loved Fallen too and thought highly of him. Hope was his angel. Fallen never felt so strong about anyone the same way. In a way you could say if there was a Hope she was the one. They shared many dreams and much more. It was a classic tale and they were happy with plans to wed. There was a glitch. Fallen wasn’t good with long distance relationships and made a mistake. An intentional mistake, like accidents are waiting to happen. Fallen was very accident porn…sorry prone. Have you ever heard the make believe story about the cock that fell down the chimney and landed in the pussy. No! Okay so it was intentional but was also wrong. And I made up that awful make believe story. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Get the gist. Fallen was a horny little fellow. Lust took advantage of him and vice versa. Now Fallen only realized this after committing the act that he had jeopardized his future with Hope. I love spell check. I wouldn’t be using all these big words and LOOK Miss no spelling errors. Can’t say much for grammar or sentence formations or syntax. Fallen did what he does best and with guilt & remorse he told the truth. The consequences of truth are dangerous and sometimes life threatening. In Fallen’s case both. She cried. He was responsible. He tried to make amends, begged, pleaded and said “You know me for all that I am…good and bad”. She said she died a thousand deaths and couldn’t forgive. Fallen now really liked her so he tried as hard as he could but to no avail. This was the most humbling time for Fallen. He had to learn to live with the fact that he had caused the death of his angel, the death of hope. Fallen remembers the cries and the screams. He still remembers but has moved on wiser and wishing Hope the best in life. She deserved better than Fallen and he knew very well that they could never be the same. They liked each other and tried being friends. Things started to look up and Fallen felt hope(not that way).Hope lay the bomb soon after saying “ I can’t fall for you again Fallen ,we know what happened the first time”. So Fallen picked up the pieces of his broken heart and tried putting them together with a stupid adhesive called rum. Bad idea. Made Fallen feel more fallen. All Fallen thought about was how he hurt this angel. He would miss her a lot and miss the times they shared. Fallen had written a lot of poems during happier times inspired by the love they had shared. Hope deleted them and made sure she left no physical evidence for Fallen to remember her by. Fallen appreciates that cause slowly all memories faded away. The regret still surfaces as a reminder to not repeat the same mistakes. It’s not an excuse to justify my error. I am guilty of the crime of the death of an angel, I try to find humor in my fuck ups but this one is not funny. To end on a happy note, there was still more Hope to find. The desire that makes one faithful also makes one astray.

Fallen was reluctant to post this blog but a wise & hot friend said “Post the pain”.

Chapter 4

Fallen into existence

Fallen never really understood love but he understood lust and temptation. He knew desire and craving. Love was a search he would only understand though hope. Fallen has traveled as far as he was capable of in search of this truth that he knew would fulfill him and make him whole. In his life Hope came & went but he never had control. Fallen thought many times he had found what his heart and soul desired but alas it only ended in his becoming Fallen.

One such incident led him to the city of dreams. He turned his back on family and all that he ever knew and took a leap of faith hoping that he had found his Hope. The city was rough as there were many dreamers and many people in search of Hope, Lust & fame. He knew no one in the city and had no silver spoon. He never knew life till he made his mistakes and from them he learned lessons only too well to repeat them unintentionally. It was a girl name C***(to protect original identity & also the fictional name is allowed to be an extreme profanity). Fallen learned to earn and he knew “he had to learn to earn”. That phrase at one time was quoted by a daft mother fucker who was once his vice principal.

Fallen worked hard and worked to survive. He worked like a machine and practically lived like one but only to be able to give a happy life to C***. He spent everything he earned and never saved. C*** was happy and so was he. But it was short lived. People like C*** don’t believe in happiness.

Fallen gave up his ambition and his desire to be. At this stage of his life he had learnt to control Rage but C*** broke his heart into a million pieces. He tried to make amends but to no avail. She would not leave him live nor die. Fallen had to leave and left behind a world that thought him how to live life selfishly. She followed him like a disease and never let him breathe or be. C*** knew how to twist the truth and take advantage of his weakness for temptation & lust. She did it only to hurt him more and break him. He was tried and tested, he was hurt and abused in a way only his mind knew. All the turmoil & hurt unleashed a beast in him. This beast is who we know as Fallen. His birth that he only realized much later in life and has written about today. Fallen has done many things he ought to be ashamed of but he knows he’s also done well. His silence is his strength. He thinks + and waits for hope to guide him. He puts out his cigarette…

Chapter 5

Fucking C***

C*** was the reason the beast was born but Fallen always had a deep respect and a sense of gratitude to her. She showed him how to live but also pushed him on the edge. That’s how Fallen learned to live on the edge.

C*** was a beautiful girl with many issues. Fallen was her punching bag….why? Punching bags never hit back. If Fallen had learnt one thing it was never to physically abuse women…he later learnt to excel in doing it mentally from C***. She knew how to manipulate people & situations. Apart from slandering C***’s character there were also so many good things about her. I look deep into my thoughts and my heart and I keep them there safe. People have said far too many things to hurt her & make her what she was/became. She’s a better person and is better off. Fallen still tries to embrace the truth of her goodness and the warmth & joy of her smile. And he will continue to do so….Gnite Boss…Fucking C***

Chapter 6

Fallen Buttered Slice of Toast

Fallen has been in some very stupid places at stupid times always landing up with a pot of gold. He has no clue how he gets to where he is and literally floats through the daily cosmic exuberance of life like a slice of buttered toast that has 99% probability of landing buttered side down and being tarnished or inedible. Such is the life of Fallen…and such are the stupid facts that are heard…rumored and totally inconsequential to intelligent existence. Fallen has a skill called the “magic show” which he seldom uses now but he was so happy that a mentor “Kenny” recognized this immense talent of white lies which helped him play nookie from work. Fallen would like to take days off …do the “Magic Show” just to stay at home and be in bed and dream of a life he wanted to create for himself…not humanity. Sorry…you should be aware by now of Fallen’s selfish nature => …Fallen had a lot of people who were unaware of his nature and he did the best not to reveal this side of self obsessed greed. He would love to say fuck you to all the people who have vague senses of humor but he’s too busy enjoying the music behind the NOISE reduction headphones. This helps filter out the distortions that are annoying but also called friends. The end of the story is Float like Butter and don’t sting anyone…We all can’t be Ali and it would suck to have to be knocked out to learn where you stand…I mean were supposed to stand. Would love to land a haymaker on some unassuming twat.. just for fun though.

P.S: All facts are not from any consensus or study where loads of money was spent…I just exaggerated the truth…

Chapter 7

Friends…Who?

Every one has a level of contact with another person…the level of contact would define the relationship. Intimacy, companionship… every relationship has an agenda….and if you can find a relationship that has no motive or no agenda then you could assume freely that you have a friend. But what of all the other people that you have to claim as friends or it would be awkward because in life people are sometimes so shallow that they judge a person by his friends(Names he can drop of) which I don’t believe in. Are friends the people who claim to have your best interest in mind or just people who have nothing better to do with their lives and would like to play God in yours. To all those so called friends…SUCK MY DICK…actually not! Cause they just might. A precious lesson learnt to late…never have friends where you work…if it’s a genuine friend he’s going to get hurt and if you’re a genuine friend…don’t tell me I didn’t warn you arsehole…Work is what people do to get ahead and I assume there should be a fine line with relationships. So draw the line and don’t worry if you might hurt people by not being friendly. This blog is just me venting out after a bad episode. I can’t not try to be a good friend but I can try and be professional and spare my self the emotional guilt trip and bullshit. Trust me when I tell you that work has its entire load of bull crap and you don’t need some else’s under the clause of friendship. Its better to be a comrade and be a better human that get into mind fucking. Its not sexual…I’m not talking sexual harassment…that’s another ball game that I guess you might enjoy reading about.

So remember at work…keep your friends further comrades close and make no enemies…cause you are there with a motive which will fuck over terms like friendship…Oh and I love MONEY…thank you God => Friends at work…Who??

Money. Fame... Its human nature to be greedy and want more…want the most…the mostest.

Chapter 8

The Mystery of Hope

There have been many attempts made by Fallen to unravel the mystery of Hope. A few elderly and wise(Unmarried) assume they have tasted all the fruits and labors of being in a relationship…I still think they are liars…But I’ve heard about the mythological references of the inner Shakti of a woman…it can create life ,that essence and energy is the very being of Hope. Hope and the mystery…thought it would be an interesting chapter but seriously I think its all about mind fucking… Actually it’s also to be blamed of Fallen who is so insecure and afraid of being hurt…AGAIN….that he always has his guard up…He is charming and also gutless…He likes to be preyed on rather than go for the kill… He likes to make love but also loves to fuck…Doesn’t believe in monetary transactions to get laid because money just kills the entire prey-predator equation. An awesome fuck is priceless.

Hope is the bitch that will spread rumors about you when you don’t call back…she is the jealousy when you catch a glimpse of her rival…You don’t want to be on her wrong side…she will turn you on and then disappear… Cock teasing whore…She wants to sleep with you when she’s had too many to drink and she doesn’t want any one to know but will be the first to tell her closest friend…the word of mouth advertising…She expects to be pampered and treated like a lady but will treat you like a runt…

She looks so innocent and pure with her head on your shoulder post orgasm…Why does she have to be so mysterious? Every time Hope appears, the sheer idea of possibilities & learning make Fallen have this mysterious glint in his eyes. Hope knows that look…of craving…of desire…of temptation & of lust. Fallen can’t understand from where in his mind these opinions are formed and apologizes for his mysteriousness.

Chapter 9

In terms with being a Dick

Fallen had reached a point in his life where he thought he was aware of his being a DICK and was in terms with it. This was not true and would come back to bite him in the arse like karma. He would constantly be reminded of Hope and how he had hurt her. There would be specific days that she would haunt his mind and make him feel like he didn’t need to exist…that he was like the dead among the living…like he was just floating on aimlessly in a myriad sea of past mistakes and crimes against Hope. How much he misses Hope no one will ever know and Fallen will never say. The times were good but they have past…the future is limbo…Fallen hopes to be rescued from the self inflicted hurt he has cause himself & other due to a lack of rationality. Just when he assumed he had forgiven himself for being a DICK he would out of the blue hear his inner conscience guilt trip him for being the way he was…Lonely…Desperate…Longing…Craving…Empty

I guess I’m in terms with myself as I don’t possess the power to change my mistakes by traveling back in time & even if I could travel back in time I guess I’d make similar errors that would leave me tainted none the less. Today I feel grief and I feel alone…I have no Hope to celebrate the gift of life that has been granted to me…a species less deserving of the luxury of existing. Fallen doesn’t choose to live his life this way but his past reminds him of his wrongs. He tries hard to swallow all his guilt and accept himself for being the horny dick head that he. Please pray for his soul and that he may find a peace so tranquil that the very depths of his disturbed mind are broken heart are still and calm and un dick like.

I miss my family and mostly my brother… Eid Mubarak

Chapter 10

The Pussy Chase

You all know what I’m about to talk about…you know where I’m coming from cause you have either been chased or been a chaser. Horniness knows no bounds. Firstly before I get submerged into the topic I’m glad I’ve got this far. Chapter 10!!! A new found respect and a sense of fulfillment for my very being… RESPECT. Back to the chase, it’s the mind games you have to play to get a piece of the action. This is not a gender biased scenario. I have seen men run with their tail tucked between their legs too…When the hunt begins and the heat is on its all fair in love & war…Who am I Kidding? All is fair in sex & sex…The objective to have an orgasm with that elusive person you have been eyeing but haven’t had an opportunity to interact or get accommodated with, and when you do get a chance your not sure if its your first impression or your last cause the lusting seed was planted long ago in the horny fertile fields of your mind. You don’t know how to react and your panties are in a bunch. You don’t know if you should lead or follow. You don’t know if you sound desperate and you don’t want to sound uninterested, a couple of whiskies to take the nerves away. Performance anxiety is a possibility. If you get laid well done… Nail & bail… If you have a conscience then this ain’t a game for you. The hunted will pile on all their emo bull kaka onto you. You’ll have to deal with the hassle of some chick you assumed was hot. My advice…drunk sex is good if its not a one night stand (further referred to as ONS)…But if its an ONS then you have to deal with things like the WALK OF SHAME…getting back to the world in the wee hours dressed in your night out clothes and a massive hangover and vague memory of the primal thumping that fulfilled your desire but still left you with no clarity. I’m not against ONS’s and I’m not a relationship Guru. Fallen has made errors and these words are kind of like a syntax he has programmed into his way of tactical PUSSY CHASING. A few rules that he may follow or a few rules he may have broken.

The Final Chapter

Fallen & Standing Tall

It has been an awesome feeling writing SSHMF (abbreviation for the title). The above chapters, stories, fact & fiction are not meant to hurt anybody. If Fallen has hurt someone he has had the decency to apologize only if he meant it sincerely. I sincerely apologize if the profanity or resemblances to incidents are too co-incidental. Sorry people. I love you all and you have all touched my life in a special way. I have no regrets in life and it wouldn’t be fair to say I was the only one on the receiving end of pain. Love is about giving & taking. So I have done my fair share of being a Bastard. => Beautiful mistakes …There are some moments that have been captured into the very essence of my life. The following lyrics might help me say things better.

“Sometimes I feel I’ve lost my way

Looking for something real in this life

Day by day I keep asking myself

Without love

Where I’ll be

With out the sun, Where I’ll be

Without a sound, without the sea

Of my heart beats feeling me”

I would like to say thank you to Hope. I am because She is.

My quest to find you and to be a better person will never cease.

I will write songs of how I feel about us to make you fall more in love with me.

I want you by my side Hope…so I can look at myself in the reflection of your eyes…make you happy…make you proud…make babies and stand tall once again.

Closing Note

This is a piece of me…it comes from a place deep inside. I hope you people like what you read and could connect with my characters. I got so involved with the character of Fallen. My relationships have played a pivotal role. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. I truly respect all of you and you all have a special place in my heart. Thank you for being my ray of sunshine on a rainy day. I quote Heath Andrew Ledger (4 April 1979 – 22 January 2008 from a Knights Tale.

“It is strange to think, I haven't seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to, the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to. I next compete in the city of Paris, I will find it empty and in the winter if you are not there. Hope guides me, that is what gets me through the day and the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight, it will not be the last time that I look upon you. “

I would like to profusely thank & apologize sincerely to everyone I have ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with.

THANK YOU

SORRY

THE END

References & Excerpts:

• Wikipedia
• IMDB
• Lyrics from Boaz Mauda’s song “Without Love” Performed Live @ Eurovision 2008.
• Dialogue from “A Knights Tale” Written & Directed by Brian Helgeland.